The interstellar distance problem was finally solved.
The universe was constantly expanding, and therefore distances between things were increasing too.
This is why it took kids an hour to travel to school, what used to be just ten minutes for their parents .
The problem was simple.
The universe was in denial.
The solution was an aesthetic one.
All you needed to do was convince the universe that it was fat and that it needed to lose weight.
A thin galaxy is an quickly traveled galaxy.
They first tried to use fat shaming as a technique.
‘Yo mama’ jokes were by an official decree changed to ‘yo universe’ jokes.
All kitten videos on YouTube were now replaced dieting & exercise videos.
It was now official policy for the models of Victoria’s Secret to be anorexic.
But none of this worked.
Maybe the universe was not fat, just big boned, some scientists speculated.
Maybe the universe was driven to depression by the relentless pressure, and was gorging on a big tub of Haagen Daaz.
The truth of the matter was that we simply didn’t know.
We were only bombarding information to the universe, not making effective communication. It was like making conversation with your teenbag emo son.
The solution, finally was arrived at by a hippie philosopher. Philosophers were largely discredited by science after it was found out that they were simply pulling stuff out of their collective psychedelic fueled asses.
But this guy had found the solution despite his ramblings about unity, cosmic vibrations and planes of existence.
His premise was simple. The universe was made up our its constituents.
The collective consciousness of its constituents was the consciousness of the universe.
It was truly a hippie, make peace not war love kinda solution, but by god it worked.
Humans were the only intelligent life in the universe(we had effectively killed off all cetaceans).
The aliens that visited us in Roswell were just humans from the future, evolved beyond recognition, but ultimately a gaggle of drunk teenagers on a joyride in their dad’s stolen mini, saucer, somehow caught in a time vortex and thrown back to the past.
Our future was known to the governments. We needed interstellar travel to survive as a species. We were the only conscious part of the living universe in the last 13.7 billion years since the immaculate conception of the universe by our lord, our saviour. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
So the collective consciousness of the human beings were voluntarily brain washed to think they were fat. The universe for the message and started losing weight. After 40 years of fad diets, and yo-yoing weight (and distance) the universe finally went paleo and started cross fit and dropped off all that weight like hot shi t.
Now the universe was officially thin, and interstellar distances became short and manageable.
Europa was two days tops, and alpha centauri took about 30 days. (The universe had not lost weight uniformly, and there were fat pockets of space where it simply took longer to travel)
It was my first trip to Europa, but a few settlers had gone ahead of everyone else to start the colonising processes.
The spacecraft landed uneventfully, and as I went to collect my luggage, there she was, standing holding a placard with my name on it.
And kids, that’s how I met your mother.
Author’s note: Apologies to Mr.Nolan. I’ve not seen the movie yet. I’m still waiting for the blue ray release.
The brain is a weirdly wired organ. The inspiration for this piece of shi t was a Radiolab podcast named ‘Space’
I was crying like a little girl for some reason all the while listening to the podcast.
Please don’t ask for refunds for your time wasted here. I’m a poor man too.