Have there been other girls before?
Only as intellectual pursuits;with me exploring an idea of what I might do to attract their attention.
This was the human version of a dog chasing a car and finally not knowing what to do when the car was stopped and within the reach.
I was always worried that I might never find a girl that I was attracted to.
I’m not saying I have unreal standards, but there was never any sizzle, and only fizzle in the natural chemistry department.
I enjoyed their attention, as any man in that time and age of his would, but I never did anything from my side to reciprocate.
Sadly I did nothing to dissuade them either, for their attention, and /or my efforts to gain their attention fed my ego and vanity.
It was not that way with you.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I realised how true it was!
You were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. You still are.
You had the right kind of an immeasurable something for someone like me, for you ignited in deep within me, something very primal.
It was like all the love songs had come true, and the silence in the background had been replaced by wonderous music.
The first thing I said when I saw you was “My God!” and exclaimed and sighed.
The next thought I had was of confusion.
Confusion for having never felt anything remote to this before.
They say recognition of confusion is the first step towards clarity, and in that moment of clarity, when I exclaimed to god, there was only a single thought in my head.
It was also my moment of utter defeat, for at that precise moment,my intellect utterly failed me.
Imagine appearing for your final exams and being wholly unprepared.
I was at a loss as to what my next steps were.
All the little tricks that I had learned through the years, which helped me gain nothing but unwanted attention, were reduced to nothingness.
I began doubting myself.
How could I not mess this up…
this creature was perfect in every way for me,
and made me believe in god once again,
because only a supernatural force could be attributed
to a creation like this,
and I, as usual ,would mess this up, I’m so sure,
I’m so sure that I feel sad for myself already,
I’m so sure that I won’t even try,
I’m so sure that I’m gonna cry
I felt sad.
I felt a reeling sensation,
a desperation to hold on tightly, peering off the edge, scared of the dizzying heights of my emotions, and a concurrent insuperable longing to fall,to feel the joy the weightlessness, to be at peace with the lack of gravity,
before the thudding halt of the ground.
It was at the roiling seas of of thoughts and emotions that I decided, insanely, to gamble it all by a show of hands.
From my past intellectual pursuits, I had known that this was the riskiest of the moves-the move of a supremely confident man or an extremly ignorant one.
And with the show of hands, everyone would know, whether I was Confident or ignorant.
And the rest is history, but it needs to be refreshed every now and then, for the sake of posterity.