Mom, I’ve got some good news and some Bad news’
“good news first…I’m coming home soon ma!’
‘WHY, WHAT’s WRONG WITH YOU?”
‘Well ma, I fell down today and I’m missing a few teef!’
Isn’t it cool when you can still make your mom swear?
‘It’s ok ma, look at it this way.
On my way to the hospital, I found out that the chief engineer on the
ship next to us had died.
I don’t have a single scratch on me.Not a drop of blood, except for
two fractured incisors’
‘I saw the body being carried off the boat.It was the same boat in
which I was supposed to go back to my ship.
The body was kept in the back.
I sat in the front, right next to the driver smoking his stinking
Gudang Garam ciggies.
Phew! They stink! They can be used to exorcise the undead.
So just in case the ghost of the dead chief engineer hovered around,
it would never come near me!’
Oh man! I was never afraid of dentists until now.
All my life, I never went to a bloody dentist because my dad was
stricter than Willy Wonka‘s dad.
As a result, I never got a single cavity, and since my family did not
believe in orthodontics, I never corrected my bunny teeth.(what’s up
SO, I didn’t fear dentists.
Some of my best friends are dentists!
I don’t remember much of my fall, or how it happened.
I only remember waking up from a dream which I could not remember,
only to realize that I was lying face down on the deck(that’s floor to
you landlubbers) for god knows how long, and getting up with a
throbbing pain in my face.
There was a hole in my soul,
filled with an unnecessary hyperbole,
I had to use the word thole
just to rhyme this paragraph in whole
Actually, my tongue felt an emptiness, a void as it licked my upper lips.
And then I went…
Holy Shit, My Teef are broken!
I woke up, and searched for my broken tooth.Found it lying calmly besides me.
You bastard!How dare you secede?
As soon as I went ashore,I was sent to the doctor.The doctor called
his assistant, a burqa clad twenty-something girl.
They both pointed at me and began laughing.
My driver laughed with them.
I wanted to punch them because I didn’t understand a word they said.
Then they took me to a dentist.
A thirty-something lady with two cute-as-a-button daughters frolicking
around in her office.
She made me lie down, and poked my gums with a sharp needle.
I can handle needles.
I ain’t no sissy.
Then came the pliers and the drill machine that went
‘Whirrrrrrrrrrrrr’ and a sledgehammer.
I can handle needles.
I ain’t no pussy.
But c’mon, a sledgehammer?
The plier was on my tooth.
I stiffened at the sound of bones crunching.
I was holding onto the chair with a white-knuckled death grip.
That’s what she says, I swear to god,’Meester, you need to relax,meester’
‘Hola, senorita, me no hablo espanol!’
She had exceptionally strong forearms.
It comes with the job.
The pliers clamped on the teeth once again.
She planted her foot next to the chair for support and braced herself.
With a herculean cry, she pulled out the tooth.
She messed it up and only a part of the tooth came out.
Out came the bigger pliers.
And the drill that went’whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’
The sledgehammer was just for effect.
She let a warrior princess cry and ‘CRAAACK!’I could hear my tooth
being separated from my jaw, and from my soul.
‘Now meester,it ees over, no need to sheever, see!’
She handed me a mirror, and as I looked at it and something died inside.
I looked like a bloodythirsty vampire with blood dripping from my
teeth and an empty void that said’What Me Worry?’
I went outside and the driver tells me that the boat has been delayed.
It is carrying the body of the chief engineer.
So he asked me if I want to have a good time.
Sure! Why not?
Where’s the nearest cyber cafe?
No No No! No have internet! Small City ! Only computers!No internet.
But have girls!
They very special?
How are they special? Do they have teeth in their boxes…
Do they have 4 titties? 2 kittys ?
No No No! Very special!
No have open place…Very Private, I call, she come.
Ah! Indonesia! I’ve even been solicited by a ten year old boy.
I felt pity and disgust at the same time for the boy.
I’ve also learned that moralistic replies are not comprehended.
A pimp trying to hustle will always try to bully you.
Try this reply sometime…
‘I don’t do those things.
I don’t feel it is right.
It’s not safe either.
Besides, she should pay me for the sex,
and not the other way around!’
…and you’ll get laughed out of this solar system.
‘Ok my friend, you no like girls? We get you boys for you, ok?’
‘Hey, hey hey, I like girls, not boys…’
‘So, you take this girl…no problem! Very nice, fresh…make you happy happy!’
‘Arrgh…I don’t do those things…’
‘No problem, if you no like girls, I get you a boy.He special also!’
So, I have my own solution…
‘I’m too drunk!And Little willie wants to sleep’
‘No have money my friend’
‘Fuck Off'(This reply should be used sparingly.You don’t want them to
SO I told him that I didn’t do those kind of things.(for my
satisfaction), and told him that I was badly injured and wouldn’t be
able to get it up, and he stopped pestering me.
I waited for the boat.It was delayed because it was carrying the
body.Once the body came, I went on the boat and went back to my ship.