Its true that men don’t get as many compliments as women.
Its also true that as a result most of us are hungry and will take any
compliment that comes our way.
I remember once all us guys were together, waiting in line for our
annual medical check up.
You know, the one where we allow a complete stranger to cup our balls
and fondle them while we are made to cough.
(Hey, it’s better than than someone poking a speculum inside me)
My friend who just got out of the checkup was looking unusually
happy.Happy in a ‘grinnig-from-ear to ear’ kind of happy.
Why was he so happy?
We wondered if he got a prostate examination along with other vaguely
homoerotic medical procedures.
Spread your cheeks wide and relax your anus.This will not hurt a bit.I promise.
Relax it damn you!
Anyways, I don’t know what the doctor found out, but as he was
checking out my friends family jewels, the doctor told him casually
that he should have been a
pornstar and not a seaman.
Is that borderline creepy or what ?
Hey Doc…Hey Doc…Leggo of me.Those are not meant to be squeezed
like that.Hey! Are you a nutcracker? Hey! Ow…Owww! Yes…I’m a
doctor…owwww! Leggo of me….Nurse! HELP!
Anyways, the doctor did not molest this guy.He only paid him a compliment.
A compliment about his manhood, of all the things!
That too from a guy who squeezes nuts all day for a living.
He must compare sizes all day.
Hung like a mule.
Hung like a pornstar.
Dr.Nutcracker knows what he is talking about.
We men don’t get too many compliments in general, so sometimes we will
take whatever we get.Even if it from a sixty year old white haired guy
who just cupped
you and made vague sexual innuendo.
My friend was so flattered that he went on telling everyone about the
Later that night, we heard him singing ‘I’m a Pornstar’
The rest of us could only cringe and hope for an examination that was
(Spread your cheeks wide.It’s just a finger, two at the most.You won’t
feel a thing.I promise.
Women are particularly stingy about complimenting guys.
The art of giving compliments is essential for every human being who
wants to be socially savvy.
Compliments are a much better social lubricant than alcohol.
I take pride in myself for inventing never before heard compliments.If
you listen to them carefully, they are not even compliments!
That being said, there is a fine line between complimenting and
kissing ass and brown-nosing.
(Have you ever wondered why american slang is so anally obsessed?)
It’s true that imitation is the best form of flattery , but it is also
equally true that sycophancy is the worst form of flattery.
The art of giving compliments has to be learnt.
A few useful pointers:
1)It has to be unique.
2)It has to be a custom fit.
3)It must present a never before seen side of the complimentee.
4)As much as possible the compliment must also reflect you.
I get compliments from older women…
A lot of compliments.
Weird and creepy compliments.
A bunch of older aunts and assorted grandmas will at times viciously
compliment me to the point of extreme embarrassment.
One nonagenarian with hunchback once started squeezing me in
inappropriate places saying that I was the most manly thing she had
Yikes! Down Grandma…Down! You had your menopause four decades ago!
Another said my hairy arms were very sexy, all the while trying to rip
them off my shoulders.(she was extremely strong her her age and
The only other type of females that overtly compliment me are
foriegners…I mean, when I visit another country, thats where women
openly compliment me, as
you’ve read before.
I have a theory for that.
When women know that they will never see you again, they tend to be
more aggressive and bold.I’m a foreigner.I usually don’t tell them I’m
a sailor, but I
think they assume that I’m either a sailor or a tourist.So this might
be the last time they’ll ever see me.
So what the heck! Lets tell the guy what he wants to hear.
But here’s the kicker- It’s men who compliment me the most.Even though
I don’t want them to.
In china, the defacto english greeting for me was”You’re so
handsome…How many girlfriends do you have?”,
I used to replied,’Nihao! I have four and counting’
That’s why I asked her once ‘tell me, what is it that you like about me?
I wanted to know.
She didn’t like the way I dressed(it’s too loud),or the way I
talked(its too fast), or the way I walked(it’s too straight),or the
way I ate(it’s too much)…
So what DID she like about me?
I wanted to know.
She had no answer!
She then began babbling about how much her friend liked me and thought
that I was very smart…
I cut her off.
I don’t care what your friend thinks of me.I’ve known that she’s had a
crush on me ever since she first saw me.But I want to know what you
She said,and I quote,’I dont want to tell you,It might just go to your head’.
Strangely mom and dad subscribed to the same fact.
Well son…It was good, but I know you can do better next time.
Well son…It was good, but your friend did better than you.
Even now, mom cannot give a direct compliment.
She said,’People keep telling me how smart you are.There must be some
truth to it.’
Hey women! Learn how to compliment a man for a change.You’ve been
getting lazy listening to all the compliments.
Appeal to his masculine vanity a bit.Let his head float in the skies a
bit.You can drag him down later.
We men are vain creatures too you know.
Learn from the old ladies- and tone it down about 50%, and you’ll be good.
Mom finally gave me a compliment.A true genuine, heartfelt one.
‘I have to tell you.It’s great that you have continued playing your
guitar all these years, even though you’re so bad at it’
Gee! Thanks Ma!