Things that have never happened …
I’m making a personal inventory of things that have never happened.
Everytime I think of something, I go, ‘Been there done that’
For example…Dressed in women’s clothings in public…been there, done that.Chased by a cow…been there, done that…threatened and chased by an old lady in a foreign country…been there, done that.Boy, do I have some stories that I could tell!
But here are a few things that have never happened.
The last real fight I was in was in 8th grade, if you could call it a fight at all.
He kept pushing me around, accusing me of throwing something at him.
I think he was just bored, and wanted to amuse himself.I was simply the closest wimp available.
I refused to hit him back, saying that I would not fight.I was a pacifist back then.
Smart move on my part, because he outweighed me by a good 20 kilos, was a karate black belt and the captain of the school kabaddi team.
(Kabaddi is like rugby but without the pigskin or the helmets or shoulder pads or the soft turf.Kabaddi is like Rugby on crack)
Friends wisely stayed far away.You see, they didn’t want to bet on the losing horse.
Later some classmates taunted me for my stance of non-violence.
After pushing me around for a while he found that he could not goad me into a fight.
Bored, he went away.(He had the attention span of a fruit fly on crystal meth)
I never forgot about him.
I hate real violence.Real violence has real consequences.It would take a lot for me to fight someone.
Silly reasons will never do.
But I did not fight because of my principles and not because of my weakness.Something I can be proud of in retospect.
(But later a little bit of hostel life taught me that threats are enough for a bully.I once told a bully that if he didn’t stop, I’d punch his teeth out, and surprisingly he backed out.)
I have never killed anything larger than a cockroach with my hands (or my feet for that matter).
These days I don’t even kill cockroaches.I just tell them to get the hell out of there before mom sees them.
Once she’s got a rolled up newspaper in her hand, those guys are goners for sure.
I have never kissed a cat.
The last time I tried(there’s a difference betweem ‘try’ and ‘do’) to kiss a cat on its shiny pink lips, I understood what retractable claws meant.One of its claws dug so deeply into my facial tissue that the cat looked like tarzan swinging from the trees.Aaaah-aaaah-aaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Hilariously funny for others.
Extremely painful for me.
I think I was three years old.Strangely I’m not cat phobic.I just don’t try to kiss them anymore.
I’ve never met anyone who is openly gay.
Come to think of it, the guy who sat next to me in 9th grade might have been gay.
He took art classes.(I’m not insinuating that people who take art classes are gay)
His favourite pastime was etching bodybuilders on metal sheets.
He was obsessed particularly with the male pectoral muscles.He’d spend hours obsessing over the size and shape of the male chest, defining and refining the metal etching, often blowing the pectorals grossly out of proportion to a point where it resembled droopy grandma titties.(this is what makes me think he was gay)
Although he was a lardass, he was obsessed with bodybuilders and bodybuilding in general.Arnold SchawarchaIcantspellthisshit and Ronny Coleman were his idols.
In the class, he ranked himself as the 8th strongest guy amongst all the bullies.Yes, he was a bully.
Needless to say I was terrified of him.
We had a deal between us.
He wouldn’t give me trouble as long as I let him cheat off my papers.
But that was it.He wouldn’t give me any protection from other bullies, especially the ones ranked higher than him.
According to him, karate dude was ranked No.1!
Can you imagine, that I almost fought with the top ranked bully of my class and lived to tell a tale about it?
Gay dudes are cool.
More the gayer…I mean, the merrier, I say.
They thin out the competition for us guys.
More pussy for me! Whoo Hoo!
Gay guys are cool as long as they don’t hit on me.
That’s what really scares me about gay dudes.
I remember art class boy talking to me about another bully who forced him to perform a fellatio during one of his camping trips.
The bigger bully then paid him money for his troubles.
Ten bucks for a blowjob!
I read somewhere that rape is never about the sex.It is about brute domination of the other’s will.
Maybe that’s why jock and bullies always enjoy anally fixated language , like ‘kick your ass, fuck your ass, gaand maaro etc, because all jocks are latent homosexuals!
The bigger bully was from a different class so we never saw much of him, but nevertheless I avoided him like ebola.
For some reason the bigger bully was very polite to me.
Childhood Innocence seems like a myth once we uncover all our repressed memories,doesn’t it?
The more I remember, the more starker my memories get.
Nothing was ever innocent.
We are simply suffering from poor or selective memories.
I use the old gay ruse once in a while.
Whenever I see potential competition for a girl, I subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) imply that the person bats for the other team.
(Bats for the other team?…Welcome to the wonderful world of euphemisms!)
I tell the girl,”Have you seen his shoes? They are real nice and shiny aren’t they? I heard his boyfriend gave it to him for his birthday”
I have never shaved my balls.
A friend of mine did once though.
To make his dick look bigger.He read it in a book somewhere.A book called Pornstar Sex Secrets or something.
He’s one of those guys who always doubts if he’s big enough.He even owns a penis pump!
Big enough? Dude, that’s where babies come from.
To fill it out, you’d have to be big as a baby – a foot long and weigh eight pounds!
He told me that seppuku with a blunt rusty butter knife would have been a more comfortable option.
And wait till the hair starts growing back.The itching.The ingrown hair.OH Lord…You just wish you were dead!…He adds.
I like having crazy friends.
They make me feel marginally sane.
I did try something similar though.
But I didn’t go as far as shaving my balls.
I shaved my chest.
I have to agree.
The blunt rusty butter knife seppuku would have been a better option.
I now respect all the men and women of the porn industry for boldly shaving where no one has shaved before.
(Ah the things we write and say for the sake of humour…Dave Chapelle talks about botoxing all the wrinkles off his balls till they are as smooth as eggs.He then plans to tattoo a face and grow a goatee for his balls.He’s got some ambitious plans!)
I have never asked a girl out with romantic intent.I’ve left that to the women themselves.
If you like me, you tell me.It has worked out fine so far.
Maybe it’s because I hate being rejected.
Strangely, I have actually never asked a girl out in the regular way.I’ve always made sure that there would be ample valid but non-romantic excuses and reasons to meet.
Engineering valid excuses to meet…That’s my hobby.
In that way the girl does not feel guilty or threatened or scared.And if she rejects I don’t feel rejected either.
We always meet at neutral locations where I think she’d feel safe and I’d be comfortable.
I’ve even asked friends to come home to meet my grandma.Some would think that’s cute or that I’m in touch with my feelings.
The truth is I’m just being cheap and it satisfies all my requirements.
(Hey, Grandma is home.It’s ok…you’re safe ,I won’t rape you)
Oh, and BTW, she really gets to meet grandma. It’s not a trick to get her somewhere. Yeah, for the umpteenth time grandma thinks I’m gonna marry someone and starts an interrogation with the girl.
It’s fun for me.
It then also goes to follow that I have never seduced a woman until now.
Have you ever wondered about the kissing scene in the movies?
You know…the scene where the hero looks at the heroine, and suddenly they both gaze into each others eyes, and slowly but simutaneously move towards each other, closing their eyes and pouting, and then they start kissing like they’re performing CPR on each other.
I’d never know when to do that!
I mean, how’d I know when to look into her eyes, and when to move for the kiss??
The scene looks so magical…as if they could read each other’s minds.
In my case, I’d say, “Hey, can we kiss now?…I hope you’ve brushed your teeth!”
I’m kinda stupid that way.
But I can charm people.Charming is quick and easy.
You smile, throw in a few compliments , a few funnies and everyone is smiling.
Now get the hell outta there before you uncharm them.
Seduction on the other hand…whoo boy! seduction is time consuming.
Seduction is for the patient.
I simply don’t have the patience to go through all the hoops and ring all the bells and collect all the tiny prizes.
Seduction is also a mutual process.
Seduction a two way street.
If that metaphor is not good enough for you,then here’s another;seduction is a dance.
Both partners must be willing to keep in step with the beat that governs the dance hall.
In order to be seduced, you must be willing to seduce and in order to seduce, you must be willing to be seduced.
If you got confused with that sentence, please read it again.
Most girls I know can’t even take a compliment properly,let alone be seduced.
They don’t realize that flirting is supposed to be lighthearted and fun.
They inject doubt, uncertainity,disbelief and even sarcasm at the most inopportune times and sour the interaction and spoil fun.
They lack the playfulness that builds and heightens mutual chemistry.
They don’t understand push-pull tactics.They take the light hearted banter and verbal sparring too personally.
They take things too seriously.
Haven’t they seen any rom-coms lately ? Watching those movies is like attending Flirting 101 at Cupid U!
This list might go on, but I suddenly realise…What if they are doing this because they don’t want to be seduced by me.
It is quite plausible and possible.
I was never the Don Juan type.
Hmm…I guess women are not the problem.
Yup…the problem with seduction is not the women , but me.
It’s not that I’m blind to the signals that they throw to me.
Some of them are obvious.
A little too obvious.
I get it girl!
You like me, but you don’t have to show it by giggling at every joke I make…half of them stink like a week old jock strap.
Now you’re giggling even when I’m not making a joke.I don’t even think you understand what I’m saying.Now that’s irritating.
God, Stop staring! And finally, NO! I don’t like you AT ALL.
Don’t even try brushing against me again.I feel violated.(not really but don’t do it again)
And you. Stop giving me those sidelong glances and playing peekaboo with me.You have a boyfriend don’t you, or is he just some guy who happens to tag along with you everywhere?
Hey, I like you, but at this point if I showed any interest or made any moves, it would be a violation of some unwritten rule
(why wont anyone codify these rules?), and I’ll end up looking like a big opportunistic sleazeball.
And you.Stop with the babytalk or acting like a five year old. Your dad might think it is cute. I think you look retarded.
Ga-ga Goo-goo at twenty two is retarded.RE-TAR-DED.
The only girl that I ever knew that wanted to be seduced (and vice versa) was a recovering tomboy.
She would at times be brash and tomboyish and at times be very feminine and shy.
Her push-pull tactics were solid.
She knew how to verbally push buttons, she knew how to tease and flirt.
She was exciting.
We had crackling chemistry in a surprisingly short time which left me pleasantly surprised.
I went along with her for some time until I found out she already had a boyfriend.She told me they were on the verge of breaking up…but somehow I wasn’t really convinced.
Plus I didn’t want to steal some dude’s girlfriend.
Brotherly courtesy, you know.
(Of course, I backed out, and she didn’t break up with her boyfriend, but we are still friends)
Guys take note.If the girl does not like you she will tell you early on that she has a boyfriend (even when she might not), but if she really likes you then she’ll hide it as long as she can or even outright lie to you.
Hey, Girls lie just as much as guys…who am I kidding…Girls are the biggest liars you’ll ever see on the planet.
Guys might lie about their accomplishments to look good in front of a gal, but a gal will lie almost about everything, and her motives are bigger than just looking good in front of the guy.
(I’m not saying that lying makes you a bad person. Lies are a much better social lubricant than compliments.I always admire skilled liars, but I won’t necessarily trust them.
I’m a poor liar BTW.Everything about me gives it away that I’m lying.
I say , to hell with lying…I’ll have a spoonful of bitter and hurting radical honesty please.)
Seduction is also about seizing opportunities and going with them.I was once at a travel agency booking a ticket.For some reason the tickets were late to arrive.The office girl was a really pretty one, and she noticed me reading a photography magazine.After a while she mustered enough courage to ask me if I was a photographer.Right then I knew that she was a part time model.If I could let go of my conscience and ethics, I could have lied to her and told her that I was a famous photographer or something and gone ahead with it, but I wouldn’t.
I just told her that I was an amateur photographer and that she’d be a great model.
(I remember what Ms.J said once.
She said”Seduction is overrated”
I wish she would elaborate.I would surely value and appreciate her point of view because in my opinion seduction is a game that women are more eager to play. Men are so clueless and frustrated that they’d rather have the women come directly to the point than beating around the bush.
I’ll just like a girl because she has the courage to ask me out, and I’ll not even think that she’s a loose woman or anything like that )
I have never been apologised by a woman.
Strange but true.
Women never apologise.
At least not to me.
Instead they give me long winded reasons to justify their actions and expect me to accept the justification itself as their apology.
“I was late because my best friend had a fight with her ex and she gave me that look that said she needed me.
Don’t you understand…She gave me that look! (Oh yes, the LOOK that says more than a dozen volumes of annotations)
Oh, you’ll never understand, but she desperately needed me there.
I didn’t call that I’d be late because we were hugging each other and crying together while eating a box of chocolates.
Oh, you’ll never understand!
They fought again today. I think they are geting back again! Isn’t this exciting?
Hmm…I’m not hungry anymore.Let’s not go out tonight.Let me just tell you what happened today in more agonising detail”
“You know she wore that aquamarine cutoff capris today that make her look soo bloated, and then he called and then she was like OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD…blah blah blah blah”
Hello! It’s only two words.
Say it with me…”I’m Sorry”, and please mean it.
There seems to be two possibilities:
It might be that,
1) I have always been wrong, no matter what.
And since I have never been right, I have to apologise.Not them.
I’m sorry for even thinking that you were supposed to apologise, when it was I, the lowly despicable cretin who should have apologised.
I’m sorry.Please forgive my eternal transgressions.
I’m sorry that I wrote this.
I’m sorry that you don’t like to read such things.
I fall at your feet and beg for forgiveness.
Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you.(that was Bryan Adams, not me…Men have been apologising to women for the most insipid things ever possible)
I’m so sorry.
2)Most women live in a delusional world where they can do no wrong(remember the joke about a perfect man, a perfect woman, santa and the tooth fairy?), and therefore they have no need to apologise for any of their actions or inactions,because they have already justified it with their fuzzy circular logic.
Sidebar:Structure of Fuzzy Circular Logic:
I’m right because it vaguely makes sense to me.
There is no need for you to understand.
What’s more, you can never understand,because you are a Man.
So there you go…I’m right and you’re wrong, as usual.
Hey, stop sulking.
Now you’re being a dick as usual too.
Aren’t you gonna say you’re sorry now?
If not, I’ll stop talking to you and withold sex as punishment!
End of Sidebar
As a counterpoint I’ve noticed that I have apologised on countless occasions.
At times just to end the discomfort,
to stop the pain,
to move ahead,
at times to pacify,
at times because of implicit or even explicit threats,
and at times because I’ve actually been wrong -I have apologised,conceded defeat and even begged for forgiveness.
The fairer sex is at times very unfair, and demands unfairness on their terms like it was something rightfully theirs.
Watch most Rom-coms for their educational value.
Or try this link
You’ll quickly learn that when it comes to forgiveness, women are like elephants.
They crush you like peanuts and neither forgive nor forget too easily.
The resolution of most Rom-coms revolves around forgiveness.The climax is the moment she forgives him and accepts him back.
And then they imply a ‘happily ever after’.
Sidebar: Basic Rom-Com Climax Structure
Watch most Rom-coms.
This is the basic plot structure of a climax.
As the climax approaches, the heroine will get very angry at the hero for some reason.
(Usually he is caught lying.
Usually it is a lie by omission, where he has not technically lied, but simply withheld the information that she accidentally stumbles upon.
Sometimes it’s not even his fault, and yet he gets punished)
Once she is angry, they (she) will split.
The guy mopes around unable to shake off her memories.Ditto the gal. They both are miserable, but only the gal seems to be willing to move on and get on with her life.
Suddenly, just before the climax the hero realises the error of his ways and realises that she is the one.
SHE’S THE ONE!
Oh Dear God! What has he done?
To get to her, now he has to cross several hurdles.
Now he has to set things right!
Among other things, the most challenging hurdle the hero has to cross is called the ‘Forgiveness threshold’.
The viewer is made to believe that the entire outcome of the movie rests on overcoming this ‘Forgiveness threshold’.
BTW, WTF is Forgiveness Threshold?
The heroine, who is angry with the hero has set up a barrier that can be only breached by overcoming a very steep ‘Forgiveness Threshold’.The entire climax revolves around the overcoming of this metaphysical ‘Forgiveness Threshold’.
But how does one cross over this barrier? How does one overcome the forgiveness threshold?
Find Inspired action…to humiliate oneself…if possible in public- by wearing a chicken suit and professing his eternal and undying love by singing a song way way off key.
Find new and inventive ways to say ‘I’m Sorry.
You’re right, I’m wrong.
I’m an idiot, you’re a goddess.
I don’t deserve you, but I love you
and yada yada yada…’
So in the exciting moments before climax, the hero will breach the ‘Forgivness Threshold’
(usually there is a lot of running, last minute flights or a marriage to stop, embarrassing acts of self debasement,acts of courageousness,sappy declaration of love and monologues,cheering and clapping crowds etc)
Once he has overcome her forgivness threshold, she magically forgives and forgets every little thing that he has done to anger her and accepts him back.(i.e, she no longer is the elephant…but wait till she’s married and puts on weight!)
The rom-com ends with a kiss.
(usually in public in the presence of a crowd which has nothing better to do than to cheer,clap and shout whoo-hoo! all over again)
And the movie fades to black, implying a ‘happily -ever-after’ scenario.
A popular variation like we see in hindi movies (like the recent Ajab Prem Ki Gajab kahaani or Jab We met) is the ever sacrificing hero,who is clearly in love with the heroine, but she never sees it.He keeps on doing acts of selflessness and finally moments before the climax, she realises(and decides) that because of all his sacrifices, he has proved to her that he loves her, and so she loves him back.It is a winning formula on all counts.It teaches men that being unselfish for no gains reaps intended gains.
I’m sure there are exceptions.I’m just saying that I haven’t seen too many Rom-coms.They upset my delicate stomach and my delicate sensibilities.Barf!
End of Sidebar
Oh, and if ever a woman apologises to you, don’t count it as a victory.
There can never be victory.
Go open your dictionary for ‘Cadmean Victory’
You just wait.
You’ll experience first hand what ‘Cadmean Victory’ means (it means the same as Pyrrhic victory.Thesaurus Power.Go get It!) when She makes you sorrier than ever before for making her apologise in the first place.
She’ll renew her attacks afresh,but only this time she’ll have evidence- photographs,audiotapes,eyewitnesses,sworn testimonies and forensic analysis that proves she was right all along.
You poor dumb fuck.
You didn’t know.
You never stood a chance.
While you just argued in the moment it happened, she has been preparing for this very moment for the last three years.
You poor fuck.Even puppies can be housetrained faster than this.
When will you ever learn?
And don’t ever expect logic to win an argument.Logic leads to more arguments, or to the dreaded stalemate statement that goes…
“You wouldn’t understand”
Finally airtight logic – the one that can even condemn the pope to hell will simply bring up her final line of defense…Tears.
When you hear sniffles and when you see the waterworks, that means it’s GAME OVER.
Congratulations! You’ve lost again.
You’re the coyote.She’s the roadrunner.
All your Acme tools of argument are useless.Resistance is futile.Bow down and beg for forgiveness.
If logic were to apply to most women, daily soaps would never exist.
(Yes,Her husband’s evil twin got her pregnant, so she fell in love with him, although she aborted the fetus immediately to save her father from going bankrupt and losing his fashion clothing empire to her evil step sister who has mysteriously returned from the dead looking like her missing mother.)
Oh! You wouldn’t understand.
You’re a man.
(And conversely if you understood any of that, you must be a woman)
And if a woman ever apologises,she’ll apologise for something else, something unrelated, and she’ll still make you feel guilty.
Mom tells me she’s sorry for being my mother.
Why mom…did I end up being a serial killer, a pimp, or a merchant of death?
Oh, Now you tell me that I deserved a better mother, and anyone but you.
How am I supposed to feel about that?
If anything , I feel like I haven’t lived up to your expectations.
I feel like I have done something wrong for me to hear such things from you.
Thanks again, Ma.
When can I ever get an honest apology?
Why do I feel that I have hell to pay just because I wrote this.