There is no humanly comprehensible absolute truth out there, only differing viewpoints and theories.
No matter how tongue-in-cheek or scientifically grounded something is it can never be the entire truth, but only a simplified model of reality.
It is a good model of reality only if it is of any use to you, if you can successfully apply it. Only you can decide whether anything is a good model.
So here we go again…From Scott Adams.
“Women believe that men are, in a sense, defective versions of women; Men believe that women are defective versions of men.
(Although I don’t believe that either is defective)
Both genders are trapped in a delusion that their personal viewpoints are universal.
That viewpoint—that each gender is a defective version of the other—is the root of all misunderstandings.
Women define themselves by their relationships and men define themselves by whom they are helping.
Women believe value is created by sacrifice. If you are willing to give up your favorite activities to be with her, she will trust you.
If being with her is too easy for you, she will not trust you. You can accomplish your sacrifices symbolically at first, by leaving work early to buy flowers, canceling your softball game to make a date, that sort of thing.
Why does it seem like the rich and famous guys get all the women?
It is partly because the rich and famous are capable of making larger sacrifices. The average man might be sacrificing a night of television to be with a woman. The rich and famous man could be sacrificing a week in Tahiti. There is much to be said about the attraction of power and confidence exuded by a rich and powerful man, but capacity for sacrifice is the most important thing.
(I may not be rich or famous but Oh! I’ve sacrificed a lot- a lot of time and effort …even money! More that I’d ever admit. But it was only because I believed she was worth every bit of it.
I’d be ashamed if I did it for myself,if I had selfish reasons, but honestly I did it for her.)
Men believe value is created by accomplishment, and they have objectives for the women in their lives. If a woman meets the objectives, he assumes she loves him. If she fails to meet the objectives, he will assume she does not love him. The man assumes that if the woman loved him she would have tried harder and he always believes his objectives for her are reasonable.
The objectives are different for each man. Men rarely share these objectives because doing so is a recipe for disaster.
(Elsewhere in my blog I have used the term expectations instead of objectives. They both mean the same in the given context.
Unfulfilled or broken expectations (objectives), in my opinion, cause most of the heartbreaks. I may have been guilty of thinking that my expectations could be easily met by her, because others have met it often without much effort and often without my wanting or asking)
No woman would tolerate being given a set of goals.
(I know that because I’ve tried that. Never give a woman a list of things that you expect from her.She’ll find it demeaning.
Scott Adams tells you that women wouldn’t tolerate it.
Of course that’s true…Once you have told her…then…It is the loss of innocence…it is finally facing the naked truth …that things could have been better…but once acknowledged the knowledge hangs prominently like an ugly stain –an ugly stain of truth…which we all had pretended that it did not exist in the first place. There is a saying in Sanskrit which goes “Say the truth, or say what is sweet to hear. Do not say the truth that is bitter to swallow.”)
So what should a guy do if the woman in his life doesn’t meet these secret objectives? How can he get her to change?
He can’t.(Deep resounding evil maniacal laughter)
People don’t change to meet the objectives of other people. Men can be molded in small ways—clothing and haircuts and manners—because those things are not important to most men. Women can’t be changed at all!
(Is Scott Adams implying that women value their individuality more than men? BUT I’m so glad to know that! It means that I don’t have to wait anymore; because I know people are incapable of change .
Not just women, even Men cannot be changed where it matters to them.Try to make a chain smoker quit smoking and you’ll know)
The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations!
(At the end of the day, I’d choose someone with whom I can comfortably talk to for hours than a beautiful yet dumb bimbo who’d make me yawn after five minutes. in it for the long term.After years, beauty may fade, but the comfort factor can only increase between two people. I want to get old comfortably but not bored.)
Kenton Knepper, a world famous mentalist writes “There is a main difference between the way men and women face life: Men choose, but women decide.
Men concentrate on options. Women focus on the act of actually deciding. Since the role of men in society has been primarily the same, the role of a provider, men tend to walk straight paths, even when there is doubt or failure. Women face now the possibility of becoming providers and by doing so they usually reject their traditional role as mothers and supporters of men.
When men choose, they are choosing between one option and the other one, in a forward motion. Women always have the feeling of being forced to decide a completely different path in each choice, not options on the path. This generates a lot of tension and worry. Contemporary women are often wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Different from men, that “other side of the fence” is not another job or venture, but an entirely different way of life.
Women also tend to feel that they give too much and that their partners do not always reciprocate their investment. This is especially true in matters of communication and emotion.
And back to Scott Adams…
A woman needs to be told that you would sacrifice anything for her. A man needs to be told he is being useful.
(It’s true…the worst you can make any man feel is to make him feel inconsequential.I remember a scene from the movie Young Victoria, where Prince Albert makes an earnest confession when he says “I wish to be of use to you”.
That is how men show they love you…by being useful to you. Young Queen Victoria replies that she understands ,but not yet. Here they are candid about it and understand each other)
When the man or woman strays from that formula, the other loses trust. When trust is lost, communication falls apart.
Without trust, you can communicate only trivial things. If you try to communicate something important without a foundation of trust, you will be suspected of having a secret agenda. Your words will be analyzed for hidden meaning and your simple message will be clouded by suspicions.
How can I be more trusted?
You should lie about your talents and accomplishments, describing your victories in dismissive terms as if they were the result of luck. And you should exaggerate your flaws.
(I believe that being able to lie to a certain extent is necessary for a good relationship, especially if it is about not hurting them with insensitive honesty….No honey, you look fabulous in that dress, Of course , you can repair that engine all by yourself, No son…you are not a weirdo)
Isn’t’t it better to be honest?
Honesty is like food. Both are necessary, but too much of either creates discomfort. When you downplay your accomplishments, you make people feel better about their own accomplishments. It is dishonest, but it is kind.
(My friend does that. He is incredibly talented and has accomplished a lot when you compare him to the rest of his peers. Yet no one is ever jealous of him. In all my years, I would be at awe at his towering intellect and genius, but never even once was jealous of him. He never allowed it to happen! He would constantly attribute his successes to luck than his efforts. He is kind and considerate in that way that he doesn’t rub his success in our collective faces. In many ways, I’m proud to have him as my friend and value his opinions.)
What about small talk?
You think casual conversation is a waste of time. Your problem is that you view conversation as a way to exchange information.
Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce.
Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless.
(I always remember what Raknax wrote. He nailed it on the head when he wrote “Conversation is the King”. I remember that reading it made me think that I should have friends like him.)
A few other ingredients for successful social living:
Express gratitude. (Check)
Give more than is expected
(I always give more than I receive. Why? Volume! Volume! Volume! )
Speak optimistically (check).
Touch people (ok, this will be hard. I’m a little touchy on that issue).
Remember names (check).
Don’t confuse flexibility with weakness
(This ones hard.When does flexibility become weakness? Is bending backwards a sign of flexibility or a weak spine?).
Don’t judge people by their mistakes; rather, judge them by how they respond to their mistakes (Ok, I’ll wait and watch).
Remember that your physical appearance is for the benefit of others (check).
Attend to your own basic needs first; otherwise you will not be useful to anyone else. (Check)
-heavily paraphrased from Scott Adams’ ‘God’s Debris’.
(Finally I’d like to add that I don’t want anyone to be compelled to fall in love with me, just because I love her.
It doesn’t matter whether I’ve loved you for 7 years or seventy.
If you don’t love me, IT’S OK.
It was just something that was not meant to be.
Who knows…maybe by not falling in love with me, you might have done me a favour.
I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me because I’ve blackmailed her…or because she’s the only one I’ve ever loved. Love is sometimes a one-way street.)