Everyday I walk into this world with a profound lack of confidence in myself…
The quintessential question being ‘Am I Good Enough?’
Am I good enough for today?
Am I good enough for my job?
Am I good enough for all the people I’ll meet?
Am I good enough for my past?,
for the life that I live now?,
or my destiny that awaits me?
Am I good enough for this world?
I must confess,I am a man of many faces,
of many masks.
These different faces of mine, the masks that I hide behind are not fake, but only reflect all my possibilities…some good, some bad, some in between.
Everyday I put on a grand show for the world and for myself…the actor in me plays his part-the silent warrior,cocksure,supremely confident, unharnessed intelligence…and these roles come easily, almost unrehearsed-for the actor in me has been playing the same role for years.
But I fear…
I’m constantly paralysed with fear that one day all my faces will be gone and all my masks will be stripped away and I will have nothing to hide behind but my core self…and that this core self will be judged and found lacking in all respects, that my core self will be outed as being not good enough.
Maybe that’s the only reason that I hesitate to open myself to anyone else, instead longing for loneliness and the safety of solitude.
I remember a life of solitude, lived a few years ago…where I convinced myself that I was happy, and justified it with meaningless structured routines and a hollow day to day existence.Bits and pieces of that former life came floating by as I was zipping across the night sky with the silhouettes of trees and skyscrapers passed by me.I saw you lift your arm and wave as your face lit up with the sense familiarity that I must have evoked.I saw your face drop as I passed without even a hint of slowing down.
I saw you.
I just didn’t want to stop for you…
I promised myself a different life when I realised that my past happiness was nothing but a lie…but the dangerous path of self examination might tell me that even this happiness that I possess so tenuously might be nothing but a mirage.
Then is this what is holding me back, not letting me go completely, not letting me surrender to the will of something far more superior…because of the belief that this is not where I’m supposed to be?
Life is elsewhere…or it seems like that.
These days there is more of a void in me than myself…and the lacuna keeps growing, sucking my essence into it and into nothingness-leaving behind husk, a functioning shell of my former self.
If you miss me while I’m with you, its not your fault.
I have to tell you this because its not your fault that you miss me…for I’m not here yet.
I keep holding onto the belief that life is elsewhere…and a part of me is out there, roaming the great unexplored else-where’s searching for what it can never find.
I’m not here yet, because another part of me is still stuck in the past hoping that the good old days were where life is(or was).
I’m not here yet…parts of me are just as lost as what you see in front you.
I’m not here yet…but if you care to wait, it might give me the strength to return to myself.